Tag Archives: personal


It's Alive!

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Hello people!

So yes, I’m alive and kicking, still! Surprise, right? At least if you don’t follow me in social media, that is. If you just read this blog it would totally seem like I’ve quit on everything two years ago.

That might actually be sort of the truth, if I really think about it.

It wasn’t really that I quit writing on purpose. It’s just that my depression swept over me like the effing tsunami it can be, and I gradually realized I wasn’t writing anymore.

There have been several tries to write blog posts that had never got uploaded or even finished, thoughts on hosting a giveaway here and there (I think I did one some time ago, but that was on my Facebook.)

I’ve failed the whole “marketing myself” bit, and right now if you’re friends with me on Facebook, you mostly see puppy pictures, because I’m getting a new puppy in two weeks, yay! (FAIL. Promo wise. I know. Otherwise, quite cute.)

So what have I been up to lately? Or like, in the last two years when I’ve not posted here… Oops.

Well, there’s this short story I wrote last summer for Dreamspinner’s Daily Dose. It’s called Up to Boil, and it’s a May/December blue collar kind of thing. That’s literally the only thing I’ve had out there since Solitude. It did felt good to have something released out in the wild (from the constraints of my head, haha), though. So yay for that!

Right now I’m in the middle of trying to make a deadline for their States of Love submission call. The deadline is in a few days and I’m pretty sure I’ll make it. My state is Colorado, by the way, and it’s a story with a weird kind of structure, but more about that when it actually has a release date.

The really good news, though? I’ve signed a contract for a novel that’ll be out sometime in August/September. It’s a story about a “horse whisperer” who takes one last job to heal a horse, and ends up healing the rider, too. And maybe, possibly, they heal him a bit right back…? The theme of this story is largely about family, as my stories tend to, but another theme is depression. I hope I’m doing it justice, because it would suck to not be able to with the extensive “research” on the matter I’ve done most of my adult life. *insert wry laughter here*

So that’s about it, folks. Oh, and if you want a free copy of Up to Boil, message me on Facebook and I’ll see what I can do (for the first three people, at least. ;) )


Thoughts on Gender Identi…

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As a kid, I was tomboyish. My best friends were my girl cousin who I saw mostly on holidays and some school friends, most of who were boys. It was roaming in the forests and riding bikes with the boys I enjoyed the most in addition of playing with my cousin (My Little Ponies, Barbies, all sort of toy horses we could get our hands on….)

I had crushes on boys and my first real teenage crushes were all male, up until I was sixteen. That’s when I realized I was into women as well. From then on, I started to understand I’d had crushes on females all along, and by the time I was eighteen, I met my first partner and then proudly proclaimed myself a lesbian for nearly a decade.

Now, if I still identified as a lesbian, I could say I’m a Gold Star. I’ve never even kissed a male, and when it comes to the average heterosexual male, I’m not sure if I want to. For several reasons. I do, however, get turned on by the idea of men, and I’ve realized I basically just look at people as… people.

I’m very much in the never say never boat these days, and I try not to limit myself in any way, and I don’t care about labels. If prompted, I’d say that right now I identify as genderqueer and pansexual. Why? Because I don’t feel like I’m a woman, but I don’t want to be a man either. Biologically I’m a female, and I don’t have any sort of dysphoria, but I don’t feel like a woman. That’s not who I am.

It goes beyond being a tomboyish adult woman. I don’t pay attention to things that I do and how manly/feminine they might seem. I can bake and change the car tires when they need changing. I hate clothes shopping, own many cats, love computer games and watch gay porn. Those things make me… me. They have nothing to do with what’s in my underwear or—when it comes to gender—my head.

Lately there have been several M/M authors who have come out as transgender. An old roleplaying friend also subtly came out with not fitting into the gender stereotype. The first person I was ever in love with is transgender. The second person I was ever in love with is married to a transgender person. Non-binary people are everywhere and I LOVE that the world is changing to include “my people” a little bit more.

Because I think a lot, there are thoughts in my head about gender issues as well, go figure. Like I think part—however large or small it may be—of young girls leaning towards masculinity and coming out as female to male transgender has to do with the expectations modern society sets on the fragile shoulders of young people, especially those born into a female body. Whether it’s the case of more knowledge and awareness or something else, I don’t know, but suddenly there are options to reinvent yourself in a new way, and I believe some people make those decisions a little bit too hastily. That’s why I’m glad the medical experts on this field are getting more and more knowledgeable, after all they’re there for a reason.

I’m not in any way saying being trans is fake or that anyone I know or might read this is going through a phase. I’m merely pointing out the society we live in putting pressure on traditional gender roles and the unfair expectations that come with the words “It’s a girl!/It’s a boy!” might be affecting the way we think of ourselves when it comes to our gender, too.

Another thing I’ve noticed lately as well is the way some women treat GLBTQ people/couples as their favorite pets online. The kind of “lookit how cute they are!” posts I’ve seen on Facebook and other websites recently make me a bit nauseous. We queers are not there to be your GBFs or your fun curiosities that you use to show others how open minded you are. It’s just the same as if you called a straight couple cute because one or both of them are of different race than you are. The line between admiration and being plain creepy is slimmer than you think.

I think I’ve ranted enough, now. So this is me signing my queer arse out for now. Rant to you later!


The Truth and a Lot of Ot…

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Whenever someone comments on a book I’ve written or read, and comments on how this or that didn’t meet their expectations, I wonder whether they realize the books are rarely written for any single reader in mind. They might be written for the more general idea of “readers,” but most often—at least I hope so—they’re written for the author, because the stories just need to get out.

I’ve often gotten comments about writing females that are either “surprisingly nice” or “total bitches.” I’ve also had people say there was a male character who was a total shit in the story, and other comments that say another male character was really well written and surprisingly nice.

I have no clue why any of that should be surprising. Why? Because while I write fiction, I try to keep it realistic to a point. In real life, ALL WOMEN AREN’T BITCHES and ALL MEN ARE NOT ASSHOLES. Yes, there are both in this world, everyone knows someone like that, but those can’t be the only kind of people we write. Not even when that bitch you still hate like nobody else wants to end up as a character in your book.

People have different views and different experiences in life. Everyone looks at what they read or watch or even write from their own, more or less narrow view. Sometimes something an author has written in a book upsets or even insults them. Like my dear friend Anna Martin says, in that case the only thing for the author to do is to say “I’m sorry.”

I’d add that the next thing is to move on and hope the reader can deal, because while authors have to take responsibility over what they write, we don’t always get to choose what we write. The muses don’t work that way. But a reader ALWAYS has the choice of what to read. They have the choice of not picking up another book of an author whose work upset or insulted them, ever again. Or even if they just plain disliked someone’s book.

Another thing that recently came up for me personally was a review I happened to see. It was something I’d seen before, and it went a little bit like this: “I had the same problem with this book I have had with other books by Tia Fielding before.” I won’t even mention what the problem was, specifically. I don’t have to, to make my point. This boils down to the previous paragraph in my ramble: a reader never HAS TO read another book by author they don’t like or they had been disappointed with.

If I didn’t like, say Nutella, but kept trying it over and over again and telling people left and right now I STILL don’t like Nutella, wouldn’t they think I’m nuts? (Pun not intended.) Seriously? There’s a quote of unclear origins that fits this example to a T.

Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.

In the case of a reader leaving low rating reviews over and over again (and a handful of other readers doing the same thing) it might actually lead to drops in average ratings and then low sales for an author who only wrote what their muse and his/her wicked plot bunnies dictated them to.

I also bumped into this thing today: coming out or not coming out in books (or in real life). Now there are readers and authors alike who might try to take the high road on their high horse and claim that it’s wrong for a character in a book to NOT come out. Like choosing to be closeted might be a Bad Thing.

I firmly believe in choice and responsibility, and I believe in them in that exact order. Would I write a story about someone who from the beginning to the end of the book abuses a spouse with clear conscience and makes it into a good thing? No, because that’s plain wrong in all sort of ways I also find WRONG outside my writing. I wouldn’t go against my own beliefs in my writing and show it in a good light. That’s my artist’s integrity speaking, and my integrity as a person.

Coming out is different. There is no right answer to whether someone should come out or not, and this goes with both fiction and real life. Whenever someone screams that this or that celebrity should just come out already to support the GLBTQ community, I look at them blankly. Yes, I think it would benefit the community, but you do not make those decisions for someone else.

Coming out, whether you’ve had to do it or not yourself, whether you had positive or negative results yourself, is yours only when YOU are the one coming out in YOUR personal life.

You, whoever you are, do NOT own the coming out process of someone else, real or fictional. I can’t stress this enough, really. As someone who has had to come out in real life, the thought of someone dictating another person’s truth is just insane to me.

Everything about coming out is about truth. You might see not coming out as lying, and frankly I don’t give a shit if you do or if you think it’s detrimental to the GLBTQ community, because it’s someone else’s truth, and sometimes it’s better to lie to protect yourself or those around you. The reasons are as many as there are people in the closet or out in the open. But they’re not your reasons.

Okay, today’s rant is done. Finally. I hope you’re having a nice time-of-the-year wherever you are, and please do stay tuned to my blog, because I have a fun little thing (weird author interviews is the most accurate way to describe it all) coming up in the near future in weekly posts.





Heat, news and upcoming r…

Posted in Releases

I’ve been slacking again. I’ll blame the heat, because frankly THIS CAN’T BE FINLAND!! It’s been so hot in here for the last nearly two weeks it’s ridiculous. When it’s not hot enough to boil me, it’s thundering so I can’t be online. The times I can write is used by editing or trying to write and I’ve done pretty good job with dodging the thunderstorms that have been pretty wicked this summer, naturally because of the heat.

On June 17th, I finally had my baby. Not a human one, I don’t have those and probably never will, but a doggie one. She came from Spain, she’s a rescue, and  I love her to bits. Her name is Tara, she’s a bull terrier mix and she’s around 10 months old now. She’s kept me pretty busy when we’ve had energy. As you can guess, the animals don’t like this much heat either. Oh and before someone asks, it’s been around 29C / 85F, continuously, which is a lot for us.

Back to business! I had a freebie story come out early June. It’s for the Goodreads M/M Romance group’s event called Love Has No Boundaries. You can find the story, titled Cherry Blossoms and Titanium here.

Next bit of news is that I have changed my next book’s name during the production process. It’s now called Positive instead of Tainted. I’ll have you a release date and such later, but here’s the blurb already:

Even after a decade, the life that journalist Brent Walsh and Milwaukee homicide detective Shawn Mackey have made together is far from boring. But when a new case cuts a weekend getaway short, they aren’t quite prepared for how it will impact their personal lives. Suddenly there’s too much to juggle: Shawn will be working the case of the sharpshooter who is trying to infect random people with HIV, Brent needs to cover the story but fears a conflict of interest, one of Shawn’s colleagues is attracted to him, and Brent sincerely needs to mend the painful break with his childhood best friend, Ollie, and heal their broken hearts.

Though case comes to a close, it’s not the end of their troubles. Shawn and Brent still face a past of old white lies, a present possibility of inviting another man to their bed, and a future with children, not to mention health issues and national fallout from the case. It’s enough to make them want to run away—until they realize they have to face those challenges head-on so they can get on with the life of love they’re hoping for.

Last but not least: I received a contract for Finnshifters 3 last night. This means the book will be out around Nov/Dec and I’ll, again, let you know more when I have the details. I know some of you have been waiting for this book for ages now, so I hope you’re happy for the heads up. :) It’s Sean’s book, it’s pretty angsty, and it’s–as always–about the farm family as a whole.

That’s about it for now. See you when I have more to post! :)


News of all kinds!

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Yes, I know…. I’ve been slacking with this blogging thing and I’m sorry. There are plenty  of news though, so let’s get started, eh? :)

  • My next novel, called Tainted, has a tentative release date of Aug/Sept 2013. It’s a contemporary romance, mystery/suspense with my kind of not-quite-typical aspects thrown in. And yes, I still write in my slightly quirky way. :) The publisher is Dreamspinner Press.
  • I’m getting a dog! This isn’t news, really. At least not news about my writing career, so… sorry if you dislike dogs. (You might be missing out, just saying….) Because in my country we’re in such a great situation that we don’t really have shelter dogs (at all, yes I know it’s hard to imagine if your country has overflow, but we’re lucky this way) and I’ve wanted to adopt for a long time, my girl Tara is flying in from Spain in mid-June. I’ll make a proper post about her at some point, promise!
  • I’m writing, at last, the third Finnshifters book! I know some people didn’t get the things that happened in book 2 and disliked it strongly, but it’s my universe and everything has a meaning. I don’t want to add spoilers here, but let’s just say that the major plot point was going to happen even before there were any plans on there being more books than one! So yes, it’s not a plot element added for shock value. Trust me on this. I don’t throw intentional cheap punches.
  • I’m taking part in Hop Against Homophobia and Transphobia this month! I’ll be doing a giveaway or a few, so stay tuned! :)
  • Oh and yes, Finnshifters 3? If nothing surprising happens and I keep my submission deadline and all that, it should be out in November this year. So not too long for that either. :)
  • M/M Romance group on Goodreads has another lovely event going on again this summer. I’ve written a little story for the event and it will be out at some point…. no idea when but when I know, I’ll let you know!

Win books for Valentine's…

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So it’s that time of the year again. What time? Valentine’s Day is almost upon us. Now, here in Finland it’s called “friendship day” and revolves around friends and not lovers. Not that it makes me feel any better about being single, haha.

This year I’m taking part in our lovely Babes’, M.J and Piper’s Lovefest. I’m donating several audiobooks and all in all there’s a HUGE amount of books up for grabs. I mean look at it, the winner can choose 5 books! Seriously! That’s a treat any day!

So head up there to take a closer look on what you need to do. It’s pretty simple, just comment on the master post there and you’re in.

As for that status update. Well I have something cookin’, so to speak. I’m writing a story, don’t know how long it will be, but at least a long novella on the Dreamspinner Press standards. Maybe even a novel, who knows.

I’ll try and get some sort of a preview together for you guys at some point. I’ve promised to send it to Dreamspinner in the next month or two, so you might just get the book in your hands sometime this summer, if we’re lucky.

Yes, I’m working again. Slowly but surely. The depression is still there but I’m a bit better. Thanks for all the supportive comments I’ve gotten over these past, super difficult months. I appreciate them more than you’ll ever know!


So it's 2013, eh?

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The last part of the year 2012 wasn’t too good for me. Not only did I reach the release date of the last thing I have completed, submitted and seen through (Falling into Place), my depression was also sky high. Or not was, IS, but it’s January fourth now, so… you know.

I haven’t written much in the last six months. Not much at all. I started NaNoWriMo and failed spectacularly, but that was almost expected. This means that there are no future releases in sight. None. Not in the next few months, not later. Not until I write more and the story is accepted by a publisher. This, my dears, might take… ages.

In some ways I feel like I’ve failed the handful of fans I have. There are people who have told me they’re waiting for my stories. I’m sorry.

I’ll do my best, I’m planning on some changes in my life to get out of the rut that maintains my depression. So we’ll see. Hopefully I’ll be better at some point in the future and can write more again. Maybe some of it is even good.


The one where I try not t…

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Lately I’ve been trying to stay away from Goodreads. Why? Because I seem to be getting a lot of reviews that, positive or slightly less so, miss the story’s point completely. Whichever story it is, whatever kind of review it is, I find myself going “did you actually READ the book?” or “wasn’t that obvious?” way, WAY too often.

One of my pet peeves is people who read my shifter book, Chuffed, and compare it to the kind of books I talked about in my blog post at Sue’s blog. Or when they just don’t seem to read the book carefully or slowly enough and then complain about things they missed because they really didn’t see them, I guess?

For example, I’ve had one or two complaints about the shifters in Chuffed going to have their blood tested to be able to bareback. The complaint is that they don’t go to the hospital for other reasons, but they do for this? Like it’s an OUTRAGE for this to happen. My question to these readers is, where in the book does it say they can’t go to a hospital/clinic to have their blood drawn? It’s made very clear–if you read the book, that is–that they won’t go to a hospital when they’re in serious pain because that causes an involuntary shift and they need to stay hidden from the human eyes. Getting your blood drawn wouldn’t cause this…?

Or maybe they think that there’s something in the blood that would expose the shifters somehow? This is not even talked about in the book, but now that I’m talking about it here, no. There’s not a thing in their blood that someone could see and think odd while taking a standard STD-test.

Another thing that comes to mind is about Thank My Lucky Scars, my novella about a bike messenger and a porn star who fall in love. The complaint about this story seems to be that it’s ridiculous/stupid/pretentious/hypocritical/whatever that while the guys don’t have sex, the porn star goes and has sex on the job.

Now, I don’t understand this at all. Honestly. Let’s say you’re in a tentative relationship with someone who doesn’t drink wine. Your job, however, is wine tasting. That’s all you do all day every day, taste wines. Because your romantic interest doesn’t drink wine, do you stop doing your job?

I know it’s not the same, sex and wine are hardly the same (though some say both can be near religious experiences…). My point here is that IT IS A JOB. Do you stop doing your job for your lover who, by the way, understands the nature of your job completely?

Or maybe these people who complain about this aspect of the story don’t understand porn? Don’t approve of it? Or just find porn dirty and disgusting, unless they’re watching it when it’s SUPER HOT. But god damn it if those guys have a real life outside their jobs! That’s just DISGUSTING!

Okay. I think I’m done ranting now. ^^

There are several other things I don’t understand about some reviews or random comments I see about some of my stories, but then again, that won’t prevent me from writing other things people won’t approve of or understand. In some ways, writing a completely understandable book and trying to see how many people don’t actually care to read it carefully enough is… fun. In some masoctistic way, at least.

Another pet peeve? When people round down their .5 ratings on Goodreads. That’s just mean, really. But that’s a whole other rant for some other time.

(PS. There will be a contest at some point soon, you can win a paperback of Technically Dead and whatnot… Keep your eye on this blog and my Facebook and Twitter too. Just remember I’m usually not that SFW with my Twitter links… ;) )


This was a long time comi…

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This is just something I had to get off my chest a long time ago (but only got to it today), so feel free to skip it if ranting about personal issues is something you’re not interested in. Thanks. :)

A few years back I met a nice girl online. She became a good friend in just a couple of short months. We clicked like I rarely click with anyone. It was something that awed me, because it literally almost never happens to me like that. Usually I get attached to online friends (and people in general) over time.

Some time later (it all happened in a few months, I think) people had begun to associate us with each other, probably because it’s just one of these usual online communities-things. People see two people interact or mention each other and they make assumptions. Kind of like I did, I think.

One day another person I considered an online friend asked me if I’d seen this friend of ours lately. I said no, not since the previous day. Now you need to understand my timezone is European, these people mentioned are mostly in the US. This person told me that my friend had “disappeared”.

The first thing was total and utter shock. Wouldn’t I know if my friend was going to pull a disappearance-act? Apparently not. The friend had deleted all her accounts everywhere and her email-address wasn’t working anymore. I panicked. A dozen other people from the same circles panicked. Everyone panicked.

The person who was missing was a mother of small kids, a married woman. The collective thoughts in the little community were “What happened to her? Are her kids okay? How about her husband? Something bad must have happened for her to just up and leave EVERYTHING behind without a word to anyone.”

In the next week, about a dozen people, some I had never heard of before, contacted me in several social media and other sites and by e-mail, asking what had happened to my friend. They assumed I’d know.

Maybe it was the day after or the day of her “disappearance”, that I realized one thing: on one site, she had just wiped her account clean, but the account itself was there. So I sent her a private, probably frantic, message. We loved her, we were worried, we hoped everything was fine.

She answered to it. Told me what was wrong in some detail and promised everything was fine, she just needed to have a clear break from everything. She said she never thought she’d make so many people worry with her actions. She asked me to keep the details private, between us, because there were some personal issues in play that she didn’t want people to spread around.

That same day I was contacted through my then Twitter-account (not the one I have now) at least three or four times, questions about what was going on etc. I tweeted out a general message that basically said that my friend was fine but needed a clean break. That people should stop worrying, she was fine, her family was fine. It was all okay.

I also sent a short e-mail to the closest friends we shared, about a handful of people who “needed to know”. There was nothing revealing in that message. Nothing at all. Basically the same content that was in my tweets.

Then the shit storm hit me like a tidal wave.

Another friend of hers tweeted me. It felt like an attack. She told me to keep my mouth shut, not to spread our friend’s private matters like that, the tweet or tweets—I can’t remember how many there were—were very hostile. I felt taken aback, to say the least. I felt like someone had slapped me in the face.

I hadn’t given any information to anyone. My tweets and the e-mail were to reassure people. I didn’t give any details out. None. Yet still this person I didn’t even know personally (I’d literally seen her Twitter-handle a few times, never spoken to her at all) decided it was okay to scold me like I was a bratty kid.

The funniest (most tragicomical) thing was that a couple of days later, the person who disappeared had already re-filled the profile she’d emptied before with all the details she gave me privately. She gave out all the reasons for her disappearance act, some very private things.

I felt cheated. Not only had I lost a friend, but I had been told off by someone I didn’t know. I felt so fucking betrayed it wasn’t even funny. I got punished by something I didn’t do, that was then done by someone else anyway.

Slowly, in a course of months, I came to the conclusion I thought more of our friendship than my “friend” ever did.

It’s been a couple of years now, but for the first year and a half people popped up here and there, asking me if I knew what was going on in my ex-friend’s life. I always told them to ask someone else, to contact anyone but me.

Over a year ago I made a radical decision to cut ties to the community we were both part of. I divided people into two groups. The few people I knew I could be in contact with and not get angry every day, and those I could live without. Some of those cuts were the hardest ones in my online life. Some people I still miss every now and then.

After this whole thing happened, I’ve been more careful. I keep my emotions in check, I don’t trust people, I appear friendly but I’m scared all the time. Scared to lose someone else I hold dear or get attacked by someone else.

Now, I know it sounds stupid when you look at all this objectively. Losing an online friend, so what? Being told off by someone online, so fucking what?

You have to understand that I tend to think people know how to behave. I tend to hope for the best and think that people respect others and their feelings. When I was already shaken by being worried sick about someone I thought as a good friend, and then got viciously told off by a total stranger, I was shocked to the core.

Even to this day, every time I see my ex-friend’s name anywhere, I get a jolt of shame, grief, anger and just pure panic. The worst thing is that now she’s an author too and we share a publisher. That means I see her name because of what I love to do. She is part of my life whether I want it or not.

She came back, by the way, to the orignal circle of friends and the online community she left back then. She was welcomed with open arms, I’ve heard. People are happy that she’s back.

On the outside everything seems to be fine. I’m not reminded too often, but we have common friends. Social circles overlap. Shit happens.

Feeling like I can’t trust people anymore hurts more than anything else. I still miss her quirky sense of humor and the fun times we had, but was it worth feeling this crappy for years? Would I do something differently now?


- Tia

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