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Tag Archives: depression

03.28.2016

It's Alive!

Posted in Uncategorized

Hello people!

So yes, I’m alive and kicking, still! Surprise, right? At least if you don’t follow me in social media, that is. If you just read this blog it would totally seem like I’ve quit on everything two years ago.

That might actually be sort of the truth, if I really think about it.

It wasn’t really that I quit writing on purpose. It’s just that my depression swept over me like the effing tsunami it can be, and I gradually realized I wasn’t writing anymore.

There have been several tries to write blog posts that had never got uploaded or even finished, thoughts on hosting a giveaway here and there (I think I did one some time ago, but that was on my Facebook.)

I’ve failed the whole “marketing myself” bit, and right now if you’re friends with me on Facebook, you mostly see puppy pictures, because I’m getting a new puppy in two weeks, yay! (FAIL. Promo wise. I know. Otherwise, quite cute.)

So what have I been up to lately? Or like, in the last two years when I’ve not posted here… Oops.

Well, there’s this short story I wrote last summer for Dreamspinner’s Daily Dose. It’s called Up to Boil, and it’s a May/December blue collar kind of thing. That’s literally the only thing I’ve had out there since Solitude. It did felt good to have something released out in the wild (from the constraints of my head, haha), though. So yay for that!

Right now I’m in the middle of trying to make a deadline for their States of Love submission call. The deadline is in a few days and I’m pretty sure I’ll make it. My state is Colorado, by the way, and it’s a story with a weird kind of structure, but more about that when it actually has a release date.

The really good news, though? I’ve signed a contract for a novel that’ll be out sometime in August/September. It’s a story about a “horse whisperer” who takes one last job to heal a horse, and ends up healing the rider, too. And maybe, possibly, they heal him a bit right back…? The theme of this story is largely about family, as my stories tend to, but another theme is depression. I hope I’m doing it justice, because it would suck to not be able to with the extensive “research” on the matter I’ve done most of my adult life. *insert wry laughter here*

So that’s about it, folks. Oh, and if you want a free copy of Up to Boil, message me on Facebook and I’ll see what I can do (for the first three people, at least. ;) )

08.02.2014

What's Up?

Posted in Releases

That’s the question. Well, first of all, as many of you who might read this know, I suffer from depression that is always there. Depending on a number of things, sometimes extremely random ones, I can do pretty well for a time, then pretty damn unwell the next instant.

None of this is new to me. I’ve suffered from anything from “mild” to “not-quite-suicidal” depression for most of my adult life. That’s more than a decade now. There was a time, around 2006-2010 when I felt much better and at times considered myself depression free. I’m not sure if I was, if I’m completely honest, but I was better. That’s the keyword here. With how my mental health is, “better” is a thing to aspire to be. “Healed” or “depression free”… No, I don’t much believe in those.

All that said, the last year has been pretty rough on me. The last six months even more so. There have been times when I’ve been seriously scared of my condition and how it has ups and downs and random spin-arounds. But hey, I’m still here!

For me personally—and I assume this might go for lot of writers/creative people with depression—my mental health is very connected to my creative outlet. Writing, for me, is always the thing that makes me feel better. Worthy. Even good. But when I’m depressed, the joy of writing is sucked out and my creativity dwindles, and I feel more depressed because I’m not writing, and then I can’t write because I feel like crap…. Endless cycle. Endless.

This summer I had my medication adjusted. New things and old things are being tried out, to see if something would help. To add to my condition, I have (somewhat mild) ADHD. And issues with falling asleep. Both of those mean additional medication. For me, no depression medication has ever really helped long term. None. And I have tried probably over a dozen different ones over the years. This time we went back to basics and back to serotonin which is pretty much as basic as you can get. It’s never worked before.

This time, it seems to be working. A little. How do I know this? I have ideas. I’m writing a little bit. I feel creative bursts that were missing for months and months. I have stories fading in and out of my mind like I had last year when things were better.

So I’m writing. It might take time, but dear deity I’m writing. When my favorite season, autumn, arrives soon, I expect to feel much better anyway. I’m one of those weird people who get worse in springtime and better in the fall, instead the more usual other way around. Light, for me, is worse than darkness.

All that said, the Fifty Questions with Tia thing is on hold until I find a personal assistant who works for free books and virtual hugs and cookies OR when I feel “better enough” to do it more regularly again. It seems silly to post those sporadically when it’s a series.

For a lot of this year I was pretty sure I wouldn’t have anything but Mirage out. All year. But then I wrote Solitude with Anna Martin, and I wrote a little short story for an anthology over at Wilde City, and so there are two things that are out soon. There’s also the little freebie I wrote for the M/M Romance group’s event on Goodreads. There are stories out, just not so many. I’m trying to tell myself I haven’t failed and that I won’t. That I might just be getting better again. But we’ll see. Time will tell.

You can find Solitude here and the Bedtime Stories anthology here. I hope you enjoy them both.

02.01.2013

Win books for Valentine's…

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So it’s that time of the year again. What time? Valentine’s Day is almost upon us. Now, here in Finland it’s called “friendship day” and revolves around friends and not lovers. Not that it makes me feel any better about being single, haha.

This year I’m taking part in our lovely Babes’, M.J and Piper’s Lovefest. I’m donating several audiobooks and all in all there’s a HUGE amount of books up for grabs. I mean look at it, the winner can choose 5 books! Seriously! That’s a treat any day!

So head up there to take a closer look on what you need to do. It’s pretty simple, just comment on the master post there and you’re in.

As for that status update. Well I have something cookin’, so to speak. I’m writing a story, don’t know how long it will be, but at least a long novella on the Dreamspinner Press standards. Maybe even a novel, who knows.

I’ll try and get some sort of a preview together for you guys at some point. I’ve promised to send it to Dreamspinner in the next month or two, so you might just get the book in your hands sometime this summer, if we’re lucky.

Yes, I’m working again. Slowly but surely. The depression is still there but I’m a bit better. Thanks for all the supportive comments I’ve gotten over these past, super difficult months. I appreciate them more than you’ll ever know!

01.03.2013

So it's 2013, eh?

Posted in Uncategorized

The last part of the year 2012 wasn’t too good for me. Not only did I reach the release date of the last thing I have completed, submitted and seen through (Falling into Place), my depression was also sky high. Or not was, IS, but it’s January fourth now, so… you know.

I haven’t written much in the last six months. Not much at all. I started NaNoWriMo and failed spectacularly, but that was almost expected. This means that there are no future releases in sight. None. Not in the next few months, not later. Not until I write more and the story is accepted by a publisher. This, my dears, might take… ages.

In some ways I feel like I’ve failed the handful of fans I have. There are people who have told me they’re waiting for my stories. I’m sorry.

I’ll do my best, I’m planning on some changes in my life to get out of the rut that maintains my depression. So we’ll see. Hopefully I’ll be better at some point in the future and can write more again. Maybe some of it is even good.

10.22.2012

Things to look forward to

Posted in Uncategorized

Lately, I’ve tried to figure out how to do this writing thing while being this The cover for Falling Into Place.depressed. I’ve figured out a few things that I think might work for me.

  • Get rid of deadlines – This means I won’t be getting out anything like Technically Dead 2 or Finnshifters 3 out “in time”. But it takes out the stress, which means I might get my writing mojo back. Don’t worry, I’m still writing them, eventually.
  • Write if you feel like writing, if not… do something else.  – Forcing myself to write will not work. It leads to more stress and depression and, above all, crappy stories.
  • Forgive yourself for letting people down. – I know I have readers now. Readers who await for my books. Sequels are the thing that makes me feel the worst when I fail producing them. Why? Because there ARE people who loved the original book or earlier parts of a series. But the fact stands: It’s either crappy writing from a depressed writer, or better stories from an inspired one.
  • Do what works for you. – I keep my ADHD in check by doing several things at the same time when I write. I play with the kittens, watch a show or a movie, write, go do housework, whatever it takes to keep me from staring at the screen blankly when my brain gets stuck on one thing. If I don’t… well, my ADHD finds it fun to distract me from the writing completely. This is just a way for me to control what my head does.
  • Make your own rules. – I’ve been trying to figure out how to write my NaNoWriMo-story this year. There are things about it that are tricky, if not plain impossible “in real life”. Well guess what? I don’t care. It’s my story which is FICTION. ;)
  • NaNoWriMo your heart out! – I’ve written two of my three (soon) novels during NaNoWriMo. If it works this year, it will also kick my writing in gear in other ways. Right now I’ve not written a word in over a month! That, for a writer, is utterly painful.
  • If you need a break, take one. – I don’t want to quit. I’m not a quitter. So I’m taking breaks. Right now the plan is to do NaNoWriMo and then figure out after that what to do next. Either I’ll get my writing mojo back or not. If not, I’ll take a proper break until I feel like writing again.

I’ve been feeling crappy, like a bad writer, a depressed person, someone who has nothing to give to the field she loves and wants to work in. This might sound… bad, but today I got my Royalty Summary, and I have to say it cheered me up. You guys are buying my books! I can’t be THAT crappy!

So to each and every person who ever bought my books, whether you liked them or not; THANK YOU. You keep me writing, getting better, you give me hope.

Next stop, NaNoWriMo and edits for my next book, Falling Into Place, which will be out next month. And look at the pretty cover!

 

12.31.2011

The Weirdly Miraculous 20…

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Everyone is doing these end of the year-posts, so I decided to look back a little too. Yeah, I’m a regular sheep following the herd…

This time last year I was waiting anxiously to hear from Dreamspinner Press about my anthology submission. It was nervewrecking, mainly because I loved the story, Auld Lang Syne, and it was my first foray into what I knew I wanted to write: original M/M-fiction.

As some of you know by now, the story didn’t make it into the anthology, instead Dreamspinner wanted it separately, and the novella is out there on it’s own. I still remember the feeling of getting that email, by the way, early in 2011, saying they wanted it. It was all so worth it…

Incidentally my first published work was a M/M/F-short story for another publisher, Summerhouse Publishing. An online acquaintance had founded a publishing company and I had a story. It ended up published, and even though I’ve since fallen out with Summerhouse, I don’t regret sending them The Double Ds.

At the end of the year 2011, I have met the goal I set myself way back in ancient history: I have had a novel published. By Any Other Name is a decent first try and I know many people have liked, even loved it. It’s not my favorite thing of what I’ve written and I see faults in it, but it is a decent book with a LOT of things in it that I still managed to make mine. I wanted to write a different book about abuse and a menage-relationship, and I think those boys pulled it off just fine.

I’m also pretty happy with the other things I have out there by now, all of which you can see on my Goodreads page in case you’re wondering. :)

All the while I’ve been writing, all through 2011, I’ve been also battling some personal issues, the main one has been depression, the “friend” that has been following me for most of my adult life.

During 2011 I’ve made a lot of new friends, resurrected some old friendships (to a point) and I’ve certainly erased some people from my life (some of them repeatedly, because I’m a sucker for punishment…). I’ve learned that your time is limited, you’ll not life forever, and so you should try to surround yourself with people you actually like. If someone makes you feel bad or evokes negative feelings, they should go, no matter who they are. Nobody is worth making you feel bad.

All in all, 2011 has been a decent year. I feel like I can maybe learn from my mistakes and failures or things I perceive as either, like selling my beloved stallion who was stressing me out and going to waste being a yard ornament, or having a person I once considered a friend make me feel like crap all the time because of their social inaptitude and general obliviousness to other people’s feelings. Oh and never mind the so called gay porn “star” and his antics, that was “fun” too.

Getting into those situations and letting them bother me as much as they did were failures and mistakes for sure. But I think I’ve learned from them. Now I’m tougher. Again.

The positive of 2011 is that I’m an author now. If I die tomorrow, the people left behind can call me an author. That’s what matters to me. This is what I always wanted to be, This is what I didn’t think would happen, or at least I needed a miracle. Well guess what. Miracles do happen. ;)

I think that my usual “I will not make New Year’s resolutions!”-mantra will be effective this year too, but at least my first thought when the year is changing won’t be “I will survive one more year.” like it has been for so many years. I have some living to do, surviving won’t cut it anymore.

Happy New Year and have a much better 2012, everyone!

(Oh and keep your eyes open, because there will be more stories out there from yours truly soon enough, starting from January 25th. I’m not going anywhere.)

02.26.2011

Stress, stress and oh, lo…

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It’s the time of the year when my darling horse gets all sorts of stupid and wild and realizes he’s a stallion. Yes, he basically forgets he had gonads for most of the year and come February, it all comes back to him…and the stupidity begins. He refuses, adamantly, to stay inside his paddock and because of that, he’s completely impossible. Not only is there a surprise factor every morning about where we find him, but the real problem is him possibly causing harm to himself or say, the family cars. If he’s feeling very adventurous, he might trek in the snow and go into the neigbor’s yard and… You get the idea.

So, when you take into notice that I normally suffer from depression and anxiety, these past couple of weeks have not been very easy for me, because despite being an insufferable ass, the horse is my baby. Because of that added stress, I’m going to escape next week for almost a week to go on a little vacation. Nowhere sunny or warm, sadly I can’t afford that, but I’m going to go visit some extended family and get far enough away to not be bothered no matter what the stallion gets up to. Yay!

Now, if we’re lucky, this might mean that I’ll get some more writing done while I’m away… I certainly hope so, because stress doesn’t equal good writing.

Speaking of writing… I now have one contracted novella (will be out around July via Dreamspinner Press) and I have a few other submissions sent around, including one M/M/F-short story, one M/M short story and my first novel, which is M/M/M. 

I’m sure I’ll be updating the blog as soon as there are more news. Keep your fingers crossed!

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