As a kid, I was tomboyish. My best friends were my girl cousin who I saw mostly on holidays and some school friends, most of who were boys. It was roaming in the forests and riding bikes with the boys I enjoyed the most in addition of playing with my cousin (My Little Ponies, Barbies, all sort of toy horses we could get our hands on….)
I had crushes on boys and my first real teenage crushes were all male, up until I was sixteen. That’s when I realized I was into women as well. From then on, I started to understand I’d had crushes on females all along, and by the time I was eighteen, I met my first partner and then proudly proclaimed myself a lesbian for nearly a decade.
Now, if I still identified as a lesbian, I could say I’m a Gold Star. I’ve never even kissed a male, and when it comes to the average heterosexual male, I’m not sure if I want to. For several reasons. I do, however, get turned on by the idea of men, and I’ve realized I basically just look at people as… people.
I’m very much in the never say never boat these days, and I try not to limit myself in any way, and I don’t care about labels. If prompted, I’d say that right now I identify as genderqueer and pansexual. Why? Because I don’t feel like I’m a woman, but I don’t want to be a man either. Biologically I’m a female, and I don’t have any sort of dysphoria, but I don’t feel like a woman. That’s not who I am.
It goes beyond being a tomboyish adult woman. I don’t pay attention to things that I do and how manly/feminine they might seem. I can bake and change the car tires when they need changing. I hate clothes shopping, own many cats, love computer games and watch gay porn. Those things make me… me. They have nothing to do with what’s in my underwear or—when it comes to gender—my head.
Lately there have been several M/M authors who have come out as transgender. An old roleplaying friend also subtly came out with not fitting into the gender stereotype. The first person I was ever in love with is transgender. The second person I was ever in love with is married to a transgender person. Non-binary people are everywhere and I LOVE that the world is changing to include “my people” a little bit more.
Because I think a lot, there are thoughts in my head about gender issues as well, go figure. Like I think part—however large or small it may be—of young girls leaning towards masculinity and coming out as female to male transgender has to do with the expectations modern society sets on the fragile shoulders of young people, especially those born into a female body. Whether it’s the case of more knowledge and awareness or something else, I don’t know, but suddenly there are options to reinvent yourself in a new way, and I believe some people make those decisions a little bit too hastily. That’s why I’m glad the medical experts on this field are getting more and more knowledgeable, after all they’re there for a reason.
I’m not in any way saying being trans is fake or that anyone I know or might read this is going through a phase. I’m merely pointing out the society we live in putting pressure on traditional gender roles and the unfair expectations that come with the words “It’s a girl!/It’s a boy!” might be affecting the way we think of ourselves when it comes to our gender, too.
Another thing I’ve noticed lately as well is the way some women treat GLBTQ people/couples as their favorite pets online. The kind of “lookit how cute they are!” posts I’ve seen on Facebook and other websites recently make me a bit nauseous. We queers are not there to be your GBFs or your fun curiosities that you use to show others how open minded you are. It’s just the same as if you called a straight couple cute because one or both of them are of different race than you are. The line between admiration and being plain creepy is slimmer than you think.
I think I’ve ranted enough, now. So this is me signing my queer arse out for now. Rant to you later!